She was brilliant, not to mention beautiful. A guys girl in
red lipstick. Skirts and converse. College for them was always an “in between.”
They would hook up in between boyfriends and girlfriends and the occasional
date party. She always wanted more. He never ever did. She never pushed the
issue. They were friends for 11 years before they slept together. She wanted
more, he didn’t. To this day I don’t think she could ever really put her finger
on why she liked him so much, he was quite frankly, a complete pig headed
asshole. But she knew he was picky about his friends, and she knew he saw
something in her, to be part of that circle, an un said compliment. He didn’t
get her, know anything about her other than she was honest and cool. He had no
idea, her allowing herself to be vulnerable with him was a feat of epic
proportions.
They didn’t really see each other for a few years after
college but happened to run into each other when he was in town for his
grandmothers funeral. He had funky hair, they kept up on Myspace. They
reconnected at Gray Snail one summer night, he was moving back to Tulsa and she
was happy to have him in her life a way she never had before. They talked once
a week, shared music. He answered on the first ring every time she called,
would call when he was in the airport and always allotted for at least an hour
for them to catch up. He always called her back and never left her hanging, he
communicated. She didn’t really know how to process all of this, to her, those
were all things she couldn’t get the men she was dating to do. It was the most
perplexing thing ever, her best friend was sick of hearing about it. She said
he was gay just to not have to listen to it. When he finally moved back to
Tulsa, they went out a lot, drank a lot and smoked entire packs of cigarettes.
But he didn’t want her that way. He never even went there. What had gone wrong.
What had he seen in her in person that made him change his mind. To this day,
she doesn’t know. She does know that he thought about it, but it was just a
thought.
One Friday night they had planned to catch up, order in,
watch a movie and just chill. Not something for a twenty something single
people to do in Tulsa unless in a relationship. The drinking led to spooning
and then a make out and then a sleepover which resulted in the two of them
sleeping in their clothes but never falling out of touch with each other
through the night. The next day she went on a date with a man that would become
her fiancé. That same night he met the girl he would go on to date for two plus
years. He had said he tried to call, she had given up. Was that just a sliding
door? Timing? Life. She hated his new girlfriend, and as fake as the girlfriend
tried to be in befriending her, it just didn’t jive. She was also insanely
jealous because she couldn’t figure out what was so cool about this girl,
cooler than her. Baffling. She eventually got engaged and moved. They tried to
stay in touch, but she could see him pulling away, and they both new the
girlfriend was not exactly happy that he was friends with a girl he hooked up
with all thru college. The dislike was
mutual, as much as she tried to be happy for him, she was dying inside. She wanted him. He didn’t want her. Or did
she. Was he just the sembelance of the kind of man she wanted to be with?
Because her fiancé and he were so different? Was he a representation of the
type of man she craved, needed had to have, had to have? He was. He was her
equivalent, he respected her, he understood her work ethic and honesty. He got
her. When he and the girlfriend finally broke up, she was relieved. She was sad
that he was hurt but knew he’d be better off. One night over dinner, they had a
vent session about their relationships. After dinner they had drinks. By the
time the bar closed they were making out at the bar. She was engaged. He didn’t
care. Neither did she. What happened that night made her wake up and realize
that he/ someone like him was/ exactly what she had resigned herself to the
idea that she could have. What she deserved. Three weeks later she called off
her engagement. He flipped out, pushed her away, and she pushed right back.
Again, he still didn’t want her that way. Was it a mistake? WTF was going on?
She let it go, all these feeling bottled away, where they had always been. Then
he wanted a “break”. What kind of fucking friends take “breaks”. Well they were
on one. They reconnected for this 30th just in time to see him make
out with some skank and see him text messaging his ex. La freaking de dah. The
talked on the phone, talked about furniture design, music, whatever came
up. He came to visit a few times in
Chicago, he had moved back to Dallas, he was miserable. She was really happy.
The happiest she had been in awhile. She
couldn’t help but to think, he always just took advantage of her. Like she was
an idiot. Was she? She was beginning to think maybe she was. They happened to
be in Vegas for work at the same time. Putting them in a place where there was
never a last call was a bad idea, always. They stayed out late – late. He kept
dropping hints about making the cut for her up coming Hawaii trip. She thought
he was mentally insane for even suggesting it.
He was not the reason she called off her engagement – what
had happened allowed her to see that she was not with the person she was meant
to be with and she was in fact miserable. He told her that she was one of his
closest friends, that she knew him the better than anyone he had ever dated and
that he thought there would always be something between them. What did that
mean? She was royally confused. She cried, they drank and then when he asked
her up to the room, she went. He showed her some designs he had done on the
plane on the way into Vegas. They made out, she stayed over but she explained
to him that it was 13 years of nothing and she couldn’t keep pretending that it
would be and that them sleeping together certainly would not help. That she
loved him, but she just couldn’t keep getting her hopes up for nothing. He woke
up on the opposite side of the bed. She always thought that crushed him. She
would never know, he quit speaking to her a week later. She didn’t understand
how such a revelation of a relationship could evolve and then poof be gone. She
was crushed. Maybe that was his way of hurting her. It worked. No longer best friends. The End.
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