30inthe312 ...the root

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When I was a kid I wanted to be an actress, for the sole reason of people being able to make out with lots of other hot people and it not be considered “cheating”. Seriously. And also because I knew I could get designer clothes, shoes and purses for free…

When I was I freshman in college I thought I’d be a teacher…I then substitute taught 25 snot nosed five year olds over Christmas break that year, and immediately changed my major after Christmas break. Plus, Becky and my neighbors were sick of hearing me practice the recorder, not kidding.

So mid freshman year, I thought I’d go Pre-Med and become a doctor, a child psychiatrist…..right…. One and half semesters later, during my first day of organic chemistry I realized I was going to be stuck in my bedroom memorizing shit every Thursday night when all my friends were out getting drunk at the Delt, Fiji or Lambda Chi house. Thought number two was; I wouldn’t make any money until I was in my 30’s. I closed that book and headed out with my friends, the next day, hung over no less, I dropped my Pre-Med status and decided to just stay with Psychology. It was a good fit. Four years of my own therapy that I paid handsomely for: my diploma.

If you had asked me when I was 18 what I was going to do, I would have said, ‘I’m going to go to Law School and then see where to go from there’. Turned out I was the brilliant one because they all said; ‘it was smart of you to take a year off, because we are all so in debt from two semesters that we have to stick it out’, (all three of them have very successful law careers). So I took a year off, worked at three very prestigious law firms and at some point realized I didn’t want to be slaving away for years making $30K, before really litigating (I’m good at arguing), making money and enjoying life. I took the LSAT, I did okay. But me not going to law school was the best decision I made in my 20’s, hands down.

When I was younger my grandfather had told me to ‘make a life in alcohol and gambling’ because they are recession proof’, he was damn smart man.

So at 24 I got a random gig, working some odd and ends jobs in gaming; installing and servicing Class II machines, running cat 5 wire under the raised floor at Choctaw’s Pocola Casino, setting up servers, running promotions at the then 5 largest casinos in Oklahoma. handling satellite operations for a table games company; driving a forklift and delivering highly sensitive decks of cards and chips (paper and plastic, the equivalent of money); to eventually becoming the youngest sales rep on the entire International sales team at Bally Technologies at the age of 26, and one of 2 women. (Cough, cough boys club). Having everyone ask; ‘who’s this new dude Andy, anyone met him’ right in front of me was very amusing (Pat, Bates, Whalen). And as I got older I managed to get a few other aspects of the business under my belt as my career grew. Sure, I’m good at selling slot machines and high-end system solutions; it’s just not what I am really passionate about. <Nor am I that funny at work >

When I was in my mid 20’s my earnings were 4 times what my friends made, so at that point I realized I had an addiction; to my job (and J.Crew). I was addicted to making money, working long hours, driving EVERYWHERE in Oklahoma; work become my best friend, or as some would say; my spouse. I ate, lived, died, never turned off my blackberry, only drank red bull, smoked, breathed work. The carrot that dangled was big and only mine to fuck up. So sitting at home every night putting together sales proposals was more important than drinking seven (7) nights a week. Even though Amber and I were coined as the merchants of death at every bar in Tulsa (she was a liquor rep).

Then I met the guy that would become my fiancé during a concert at Cain’s ballroom (Thanks for the free tickets Stair). All I can say is; later I changed my expertise from slots to financing to be supportive of his career as a resident; future doctor. That is a decision I regret. Two and half years later the conversation went like this (I asked for a long engagement – shocker):

Me: ‘hey, Mark just asked me if I would be willing to re-locate to Chicago’?

Him: ‘NO’

I’ll never forget the conversation; or lack there of, I was standing in my third closet in our 3-bedroom rental house in Columbia, MISERY (Missouri). And all I could say was:

‘Are you fucking kidding me?!’

It wasn’t even a discussion; he didn’t hesitate to put his career before mine (even though he was still a resident and hadn’t even interviewed for a job yet).

That was the deal breaker. I got un-engaged that fall, told him I would pay rent until May (to not leave him high and dry), traveled for months at a time (I was gone the entire month of February) and in May moved to Chicago. Here I was, 29 and making a life change, no biggie. People always asked, ‘why Chicago’, my response to this day is always ‘why not’. Best decision of my late 20’s, hands down.

Towards the end of 2009, I realized that when I died, I didn’t want a sentence of my death write up in the paper to contain “25 year sales executive”. I know to some people in my industry that may seem like a harsh statement or inappropriate, but hear me out, it is in no way a slam or any indication of how grateful I am to have the job I do and work with the people I do, who are brilliant. But was that was all I was good at I asked myself? No, not really..Am I good at selling things, I think yes. Am I passionate about it? I say ‘no’. Do I love my job yes, am I in love with my job, no.

Every boss I had ever had said; ‘work cannot be your life’ (except SS.) and I always thought they were full of shit, until my current boss told me to lighten up and not be so hard on myself, he is right. I did believe my dad when he said ‘find something you love to do, and you’ll never work a day in your life’. And yes I do love my job, but I am not in love with my job, see again the difference.

Why do I love my job? For instance: different shit happens every day. First of all I don’t sit in a cubicle for 12 hours (I’d rather poke my eyes out with a Number 2 pencil), secondly; I make my own travel schedule and appointments. Thirdly, I get to do a lot of cool shit: like go to Thunder / Lakers games and sit behind the Lakers bench, golf, eat nice steaks, drink a lot of beer, talk sports and most of all make money. From day to day I could be driving hot, deep dish pizza to clients in Michigan, sliding through snow storms on the back roads of Wisconsin, flying to places like Bemidji, spending a week in Vegas, hanging out on ginormous boats, sitting in the Cadillac club for a Bears game, flying on private jets to St. Croix and in little planes with my CEO, which she pilots (badass). Work is pretty damn good. Life is what you make it; it should be amazing. Again, two separate things.

I’m not sure when I started to turn the page and realize that work could not be my life, so I started to write more. I have been writing, journaling really, since my early 20’s (and trust me there is some funny shit in there). Every year or so I find it, write in it for a few months and then put it away. When I find it again, I re-read it and laugh hysterically. I’m funny (Tim/Jill).

So in my head I can say, ‘I’ve been writing for years’, I have been, I have twenty moleskins to prove it, just no one knows about it.

I began to wonder if everyone else thought I was as funny as I thought I was on paper. There was only one way to find out, write a blog. It didn’t cost me a dime and if it wasn’t coming across the right way, someone would say so. (My friends are very blunt and that’s why I love them).

Not an instant success (my readers were my 12, 30 something girlfriends I was writing about). But as I kept writing, my hit list grew (all the way to Alaska). I even began to have closet male readers (you know who you are). Then in one week, nine people had asked me about my blog, and by then the status had dwindled when I quit writing for a year. So here I sit almost a year since I re-started my blog, not hanging out with my favorite guy eating Jimmy John’s on a Friday night, but sitting alone, eating Jimmy John’s on a Friday night with my dog. Such is life.

So there; that is the real revelation of what has become 30inthe312. It’s not about being an actor, teacher, doctor, lawyer or a salesperson. It’s about me becoming who I am really suppose to be, whatever that is. $