Beautiful Little Fool

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For fifteen months I had lived a breathed the man who I thought was my game changer. Turns out, that wasn’t the case at all. After some struggles and having to overlook the dissolution of his marriage, he decided to cheat on me before we broke up. He broke my soul. I never thought that someone who claimed to love so deeply could deliver such a devastating blow. I am not a sappy, heart on my sleeve kind of woman. I am guarded, I am harsh, I am bold, and I protect my heart. I suppose when I was younger and my mother broke my heart, I never quite got over it, and it made me close up and close off so I would never have to feel that kind of pain again. Because in life, when the people you depend on for true unconditional love and nurturing betray you, it is nothing you could ever expect to feel from a parent. So for as long as I can remember, I could not really open up myself and be vulnerable enough to let someone into my heart or to see the real me, to have the ability to take advantage of the love I have to offer. This man was my world; there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him, he told me I was his reflection and I thought he to be mine. Now, he has become the kind of person no one wants to be reflection of. And being the selfish person that I am, that is saying an enormous amount about what I was led to believe was the best thing that ever walked into my life. Our light burned bright, we were pretty little lights, I suppose if you leave them burning 24 hours a day, seven days a week; eventually they burn out. Burn out and become cracked bulbs with lots of glass that cut to the bone. He is now living out a pseudo relationship on Facebook with a 41-year-old mom of three that lives in Oklahoma. What hurts the most is that for the past five months he has been dragging me through the mud, he could have chosen to be honest, but he wasn't. The intent for the break up was to take some time for us to work on ourselves, and for him to deal with the emotion of the end of a 12-year relationship he had never allowed himself to grieve, then he wanted a break up (my dad said it was because he wanted to sleep with someone else, turned out he was right again). So while I am carrying sheer devastation and sadness around for months trying so hard to figure how to be strong, he is what he calls; “texting with someone from out of state”. I realize now that he has cheated on every woman he has ever been with including me and then even on her - with me. When I finally found out the text-ship, I was done. If I had only known months ago, I could have moved on. But instead of being a man, he decided he would drag me along because he knew he could. He was selfish – and betrayal is something I do not take lightly, at all. We will never be friends and all our memories together will forever be tainted by the fact that this man that I thought I knew, was a man I really never knew at all. Is this love? Dare I say no, it is more like being dragged through the depths of hell and being asked to survive while the person dragging you is drinking water and Gatorade. "I hope she'll be a fool - that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool...You see, I think everything's terrible anyhow...And I know I've been everywhere and seen everything and done everything. That's the best thing a girl can be in this world, A Beautiful little fool." Beautiful little fools still survive and live and love, as will I.